🧠 "You're Not My Best Friend!"

Helping Preschoolers Navigate Inclusive Play & Gender Talk

"You're not my best friend, so I'm not playing with you!""Girls ONLY!""No boys allowed!"

Sound familiar?

Ahhh, the joys (and challenges!) of preschool social development. If you've heard your child say something like this—or been surprised by what they’ve brought home from play—it’s completely normal. Children ages 3–5 are in the early stages of understanding power, friendship, and belonging, and their words sometimes reflect that in clumsy, unkind ways.

At Pine Row Preschool, we do hear these kinds of statements from time to time. Here’s how we address them, and how you can help at home too.

💬 Why Do Preschoolers Say Things Like This?

Young children love to explore power—especially social power. When a child walks up and says,

“Can I play too?”...the group at play suddenly holds a decision-making role:Will they say yes, no, or make a rule about who’s allowed?

Sometimes they create rules like:

• "You can only play if your shirt is green."

• "Only kids with long hair can come in."

• "No boys allowed—just girls today!"

But here's the thing: these statements are rarely about gender or identity in the way adults understand them. Kids are usually just trying to manage the game, assert control, or express preferences without realizing the emotional impact on others.

🤝 How We Respond at Pine Row

When we hear a child exclude another for any reason—whether it’s gender, clothing color, or even snack choice—we step in with kindness and guidance.

Here's what we do:

• 👂 Acknowledge everyone’s feelings involved.

• 🗣️ Model inclusive language: “Play is for everyone!”

• 🧩 Help the group reimagine the play to include the new child.

• 🙋 Encourage assertiveness by teaching children to say, “I’m ready to play, too,” instead of asking permission.

🎯 What About Gendered Language?

When a child says something like:

• "That's a girl toy!"

• "Only boys have short hair!"

...we use real-world examples to challenge and expand their thinking in a neutral, curious way.

Examples we might say:

“Actually, these toys are for everyone—I saw Phil playing with that earlier, and he’s a boy.”“My mom has short hair. And my uncle has long hair!”

We want children to grow up knowing it’s normal and good for people to express themselves in all kinds of ways. So we intentionally highlight:

• 👩‍🚒 Women firefighters

• 🕺 Male dancers

• 🏈 Female football players

• 👨‍⚕️ Male nurses

Every time we challenge a stereotype, we’re building a stronger, more inclusive foundation for their future relationships.

👪 How You Can Support This at Home

• Avoid labeling toys or activities by gender (e.g., “That’s for boys” or “That’s girly”).

• Celebrate differences: Notice and praise when your child includes someone new or adapts a game.

• Tell stories about people breaking gender norms (or better yet, read books that do!).

• Encourage problem-solving: Help your child think of ways to make a game more inclusive when a friend feels left out.

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📚 Recommended Reads for Kids & Parents

• Julian Is a Mermaid by Jessica Love

• Red: A Crayon’s Story by Michael Hall

• Neither by Airlie Anderson

• My Princess Boy by Cheryl Kilodavis

• Gender Inclusive Classrooms – Parent Resource Guide

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🌱 We're Growing Good Humans

At Pine Row, our goal isn’t just to prepare kids academically—but to help them grow into compassionate, inclusive, curious people. By giving them tools now to recognize bias, include others, and see the world in a broader light, we’re laying a strong foundation for lifelong kindness and confidence.

If you ever have questions about something your child says or hears at school, we’re always here to chat. We believe that home and school together make the strongest team 💛